Real drinkers horoscopes

11.06.2014

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you drank less, which would be a departure from your core principles, you wouldn`t have to run to specialty clinics asking to inject wax and silicone into your cellulite. They`ll shave you bald because the stars are distant, cold, and merciless. Reckon with your boss`s whims - if he starts pulling down his pants, hand him a coat hanger. Your concentration will improve with your usual kit - 0.5 l of vodka, 20 cigarettes, 2 mugs of beer after lunch, and an illustrated magazine that claims to be a universal advisor on everything related to your sexuality. Too bad everyone couldn`t care less about you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Grandma warned you - drinking wine can leave you in a state. In any state and anywhere. Look in the mirror and honestly admit you`re not a gothic rock star - sad, teary, battered eyes and black, vampiric, chewed nails don`t suit you. Feng Shui principles are concentrated in a phallic object on the home altar, but it`s definitely not your green vibrator, which you actually use only for creating industrial sound works. After all, go for a walk. It won`t get better, but at least you`ll find out that the barricade times are over.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Everyone who isn`t lazy will beat you. In a way, that`s positive - you give people a chance to vent, and in return, you get bruises of various colors and shapes. In money matters, a sharp drop is expected - you`ll have to return bottles. Nervous breakdown doesn`t threaten you, because such a dull and self-satisfied person is only threatened by obesity. Learn to play a musical instrument - such skills are respected in prison. This applies to your attempts to worm your way into politics by all means. Don`t hope such things are forgiven.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You have at least one talent - drinking. You drink a lot and with pleasure. Then follows self-analysis and depression, which is dispelled by devouring cakes. Your hormones knock everyone off their feet, so don`t be surprised that in the room you enter, a fight starts after a few seconds. Calm down! To ask for five lats "until payday," you don`t have to threaten suicide. Everyone knows anyway that you`ll drink that money by lunchtime and approach the next sponsor. Be a man - give up fishnet stockings. This also applies to ladies.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Time passes quickly - ten years ago you were on top, but now all that`s left is to enviously stare at couples polishing the sidewalks, strolling for hours around your rundown mansion. But you still have one trump card - money. You can buy anything, so be careful it isn`t the twentieth box of marshmallows. Watch out - in populated areas, don`t drive like Schumacher unless you work for the traffic police.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You`re like a boil on the nation`s healthy body, but that only increases your pus-filled well-being. Don`t try to tell your family and colleagues that it`s your perfume - beer stains and vomit on the front aren`t Chanel No. 7. No need to worry - people accept you as you are - with all the dirty socks, red eyes, trembling hands. Office romances go smoothly, the opposite sex miraculously doesn`t behave like the opposite extinction. Your buddy`s accent has disappeared somewhere too. But it`s not for long - in the evening, you`ll get drunk and speak Latgalian again.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
Your misfortune is the desire at all costs to crawl up the payroll accountant`s ass. Understand correctly - she only issues the money. The salary amount is determined by completely different people - crawl up theirs too. Watch out for injuries. That same unfortunate payroll accountant was an Olympic champion in shot put in her youth. If you`re too pushy and unbearable creature, she`ll throw a safe at you and, believe me, hit the bullseye - right on your stupid pear. That means extra inconvenience for the cleaner too, who`ll have to wash your brains off the safe and the accountant`s office door. If nothing like that happens by evening, don`t get too happy, because the stars show that your daughter`s virginity is currently being taken by a 64-year-old, uncircumcised veteran of the Papua New Guinea liberation movement, with medals pinned straight to his skin.

Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)
Well, did you fart in the trolleybus? Is that something bad? For such an elegant being, a little smell even suits - almost like Paris. In your soul, you`re a beautiful person, so you could also not spin half the day in front of the mirror, squeezing pimples and feeling the tire on your belly. Especially suitable time for sports - you could start with javelin throwing, because at least during the throw, it`s impossible to guzzle soda and vodka. That doesn`t mean giving up all pleasures - you already have the reputation of a Don Juan and/or courtesan.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Life is beautiful like Picasso`s "Guernica." A mess of bones, guts, metal splinters, and flaming napalm. You drink to forget. But you long ago don`t remember what you wanted to forget. The process has become an end in itself. The neglected household reminds of itself at every step - since the suicide attempt by sticking your head in the gas stove oven, the police and ambulance no longer respond to your calls. Of course, they like to drink on your tab, but enduring such unbearable babbling is hard even with a glass of 12-year-old whiskey in hand.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
An old love will remind of itself - the dried corpse will fall out of the transformer box when the Latvenergo master opens the doors to perform preventive work. Health is first. To save your liver, you drink meds that ruin your heart. To make your heart work, you inject meds that damage your liver. In combination, these meds cause changes in the internal secretion glands` function - you`re slowly changing gender.

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Continuation of the article

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your element is casual encounters. But leave the neighbor or neighbor`s wife alone - there`s NOTHING in them worth your while. It`s recommended to sign up for the Minnesota program, because your drinking borders on religious fanaticism. No point in fermenting kefir - it won`t get stronger, but the taste will spoil. At work, nothing but troubles, because someone will discover your porn server, which brings in more money per month than the alcohol excise tax. If something like that comes to light, pretend you`re Catholic - you`ll get a lighter sentence.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Time passes quickly - ten years ago you were on top, but now all that`s left is to enviously stare at couples polishing the sidewalks, strolling for hours around your rundown mansion. But you still have one trump card - money. You can buy anything, so be careful it isn`t the twentieth box of marshmallows. Watch out - in populated areas, don`t drive like Schumacher unless you work for the traffic police.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)

You`re like a boil on the nation`s healthy body, but that only increases your pus-filled well-being. Don`t try to tell your family and colleagues that it`s your perfume - beer stains and vomit on the front aren`t Chanel No. 7. No need to worry - people accept you as you are - with all the dirty socks, red eyes, trembling hands. Office romances go smoothly, the opposite sex miraculously doesn`t behave like the opposite extinction. Your buddy`s accent has disappeared somewhere too. But it`s not for long - in the evening, you`ll get drunk and speak Latgalian again.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)

Your misfortune is the desire at all costs to crawl up the payroll accountant`s ass. Understand correctly - she only issues the money. The salary amount is determined by completely different people - crawl up theirs too. Watch out for injuries. That same unfortunate payroll accountant was an Olympic champion in shot put in her youth. If you`re too pushy and unbearable creature, she`ll throw a safe at you and, believe me, hit the bullseye - right on your stupid pear. That means extra inconvenience for the cleaner too, who`ll have to wash your brains off the safe and the accountant`s office door. If nothing like that happens by evening, don`t get too happy, because the stars show that your daughter`s virginity is currently being taken by a 64-year-old, uncircumcised veteran of the Papua New Guinea liberation movement, with medals pinned straight to his skin.

Photo: torno.lv

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your advice is very valuable. This morning, four pensioners followed your advice and, lo and behold, the result - four fewer pensioners. That`s pleasing. Possibly, you`ll receive an inheritance, because the victims weren`t some abstract pensioners from Purvciems. Listen to the children`s problems - they`re not fools either and want to get ”high.” If you`re stingy, the kids will give you wrong advice. That could end with serious injuries, so better choose the strategy of selflessness and generosity, keeping in mind that children are stupid as amoebas and will quickly make a mistake by following one of your wrong advices. You have a whole arsenal of such advice.

Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)

Well, did you fart in the trolleybus? Is that something bad? For such an elegant being, a little smell even suits - almost like Paris. In your soul, you`re a beautiful person, so you could also not spin half the day in front of the mirror, squeezing pimples and feeling the tire on your belly. Especially suitable time for sports - you could start with javelin throwing, because at least during the throw, it`s impossible to guzzle soda and vodka. That doesn`t mean giving up all pleasures - you already have the reputation of a Don Juan and/or courtesan.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Life is beautiful like Picasso`s ”Guernica.” A mess of bones, guts, metal splinters, and flaming napalm. You drink to forget. But you long ago don`t remember what you wanted to forget. The process has become an end in itself. The neglected household reminds of itself at every step - since the suicide attempt by sticking your head in the gas stove oven, the police and ambulance no longer respond to your calls. Of course, they like to drink on your tab, but enduring such unbearable babbling is hard even with a glass of 12-year-old whiskey in hand.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

An old love will remind of itself - the dried corpse will fall out of the transformer box when the Latvenergo master opens the doors to perform preventive work. Health is first. To save your liver, you drink meds that ruin your heart. To make your heart work, you inject meds that damage your liver. In combination, these meds cause changes in the internal secretion glands` function - you`re slowly changing gender.