Aries.

Stubborn and self-satisfied Aries rarely say one thing and do another. And they don`t admit mistakes: even if everything doesn`t go according to plan, Aries says everything is fine, and that`s how it was meant to be. Just try pointing out an Aries`s mistake - you won`t collect your bones! They adore Pisces because, unlike them, Aries stand firmly on their feet. There`s nothing funnier than the quirky moonstruck ones sucking their fingers at 35. Aries aren`t afraid to use philosophical concepts to defend their ideas. Whether Aries lives in a luxurious house or a tent made of branches, Aries will always insist it`s paradise. At least in two previous lives, Aries was a concrete bumper - how else to explain their stubbornness?

Aries are never born. They cheerfully and purposefully jump out of their mother`s womb. Or ride out on roller skates. Aries can marry fun ladies several times, but never divorce them. Moreover, Aries is sinless as a saint. Aries always hold leadership positions. People flee when they see Aries approaching. They know, expect no good, Aries can`t stand listening to the selfish Scorpio conversations, because in Aries`s presence, only Aries can be praised.

Taurus.

You are the walking embodiment of all the world`s emotions. First you laugh, then you shoot at your favorite director. You are earth beings, even showering less often than others. And what? You need to be closer to mother earth! Tauruses love favorite movies where everyone is nice and happy. And at the same time, they fight with waiters, mills, and advertising banners. They love analyzing their friends, even if they have no knowledge or practice. The main thing is to fight and explain it from a philosophical point of view. Taurus is a strange bird, because he or she clings to what never was. Either because Taurus is offended by their second place in the Zodiac, or for other reasons. A puzzle person. All Tauruses want to be gods. Sorry, but that spot is taken by Aries.

You are sometimes hard to understand. Maybe because you answer a question with a question. Most Tauruses adore conflicts. If nothing has happened, then something is wrong. But how Tauruses are pleased by fights in bars with glass smashing and chair waving. Legends can be told about these fights. Tauruses are impatient and insistent. They rush all the time, though they don`t even know where. Maybe to the bar?

Gemini

Everyone loves Geminis because everyone loves crazies. You like to think you are a hybrid of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in most cases, you resemble a cross between Michael Jackson and Yelena Malysheva. But still, you can deny and will deny everything as soon as you finish reading this sentence.

Geminis like to drive funny cars and feast their eyes on them, crashing into a tree or house. They can also fight, especially at weddings, but only if the opponent is asleep and is 5 years old.

Geminis rarely participate in the Olympics. If they compete in sports, it`s air hockey or swimming. And in computer games too.

Geminis aren`t afraid to treat themselves with medications, especially if those drugs aren`t particularly legal.

Geminis speak very loudly to be heard. It`s sad because they mostly talk to themselves. Actually, they argue with themselves in the bathroom. But in this argument, they are unbeatable. And in general - Gemini is a paranoid Aquarius.

Cancer.

You need to know what`s happening in everyone`s life in this galaxy. And in others too. But what`s happening in your personal world isn`t that important. If something urgent, friends will tell you, probably.

Cancers dress only because they have to, so their fashion sense is dubious. You are the only sign that irons clothes by putting them under the mattress (except Pisces, they don`t iron clothes at all). If you are economical, you can wear one pair of underwear for a month. Your home is your fortress, from which you can not leave for weeks.

Despite your desire to save everyone and each, you don`t need any communication. If there are guests in your house, they are probably hostages.

Cancer is like a walking women`s magazine with cupcake recipes and useful tips on how to talk to a teenager. Whether they know it or not, all Cancers are born with a talent for cross-stitching.

You will never be first in sports because we have to rest every fifteen minutes when you breathe. Cancers build careers so that the office is in bed or a meter from it. You maintain your dubious health thanks to a diet of chips and beer.

If you think someone is offending you, you`re probably right. The most interesting - you like it. Friends rarely listen to you, even if you show up at the doorstep with homemade soup and a balloon. If Cancers are invited to an evening party, it`s only to deliver drunk friends (usually Pisces) home.

Leo.

You attract attention in any way. If you want to get Leo to say everything - well, well, try! For a birthday, Leo needs a parade, no less. But better two parades. Leo is unlikely to marry because there are no equals. But if it happens, Leo`s spouses will keep them under the bed so they don`t poke around.

They need physical contact at any time. That`s why so many people, Leos, who were arrested for necrophilia.

Some Leos pretend to be homosexuals because it`s a good way to attract attention! Leos are very insistent, they open doors by shouting at them. But when Leo enters the room, everyone must applaud. Representatives of this sign are truly like lions. They are noisy, roaring, and sleep under trees when they want. Modesty scares Leos. That`s why Jesus was a Capricorn, and Buddha - an Aries, they couldn`t be Leos.

Leos like to fight with Aries. It`s really worth watching this bloody spectacle! They will trample each other to death. If you are a smart Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don`t worry about posters - Leo will take care of them faster. If Aquarians hang rock star posters, and Scorpios decorate the room with disaster images, then Leo has a lion hanging on the wall.

Virgo.

You are a real thorn in the ass. You monitor even your breath, and put clothes in the closet strictly by color. No Virgo in history has made indecent sounds, like burping. Virgos clean every square centimeter of everything they have twice a day and with the help of a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and your place is on the floor, checked for microbes with a magnifying glass. Pedantry is synonymous with ”Virgo”.

When you ask about a murder, you tell the police that ”this scoundrel had a dirty car.” The police usually let you go because they are also Virgos.

It`s very easy to hurt a Virgo. Just say that something is stuck between her teeth. But then watch as she tries to get rid of the imaginary obstacle. That`s why it`s hellishly fun with Virgo. Hell for Virgo is being stuck in an elevator with a naked Aquarius. It`s hell because Aquarius can put a beer glass right on the floor.

It`s especially hard for Virgos if something is stuck under the fridge. But, as usual, it`s a depressed Taurus. Virgos don`t see a black and white world. They see only the difference between clean and dirty. They hate cats because these bastards leave fur everywhere. Virgos may seem cold, but it`s because they just came out of the laundry room. There they sorted everything by color and fabric, and sorted powders alphabetically. Be tolerant with them.

Libra

Your elegance and refined taste drive those around you to white heat. Everything would be fine if you made decisions independently, but no. You eternally pester therapists, friends, and celebrities with questions. Libras are modern, flexible, and impressionable people. They are funny because they are ready to swallow what they hate if it becomes fashionable.

Libras eat ethnic food from many cultures, which they don`t understand. They proudly wear velvet. They single-handedly started the cappuccino movement. Their life philosophy is usually embroidered on small fashionable bags. Libras constantly worry about what other people think. Or pretend to think. If it were important to them, perhaps people would feel less nauseous from Libras.

Libra`s interest in current events ends with this season`s fashion catalog. They don`t eat semi-finished products. That`s for other people. Only two Libra representatives were observed in economy class stores. They went to these stores to show off their new wardrobe.

Libras have a huge collection of CDs that they haven`t listened to. Libras happily donate money to designer charities that spend money on incomprehensible purposes. That`s why Hollywood is full of Libras.

Scorpio.

You learned to use a computer faster than holding a fork. Most of the world`s hackers are Scorpios. Like most people who consider it luck to be popular on forums. You can embarrass Libras because you can drink coffee from a bag. With a spoon. You take your paranoid and artistic worldview very seriously. Many Scorpios found ways to smoke in the shower unpunished. Scorpio`s main trump card - they are never abducted by aliens and don`t become victims of government conspiracies. If something happened in this world, it was probably your hacker attack.

If someone hacked Bill Gates`s databases hoping for ransom - that was you. Ironically, Bill Gates is also a Scorpio. The fully automated mansion he lives in leaves no doubts. Therefore, your genius plan for world domination will never work. It`s hard for you to understand that ”Star Trek” and ”Star Wars” are fiction, they remind you of the Bible.

To describe their philosophy, Scorpio uses profanity. No wonder Scorpio`s ruling time is Halloween. It`s the only time of year you can eat candy without measure and pretend to be Doctor Who without punishment.

Scorpios adore sex adventures because it`s a chance to smoke with pleasure. But if you want to talk to a Scorpio, ask him something. Most likely, after 5 minutes of silence, his question will be ”Sorry, what did you say?” Scorpios are often hairy and think it makes them manly. This especially applies to women. If a Scorpio won the lottery, he probably hacked it.

Sagittarius.

Sagittarians are born adventurers. Juggling spiders with bare hands is great entertainment for Sagittarians. They would rather cut off their leg than choose the easy path.

Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and strangers. Almost every Sagittarius is dissatisfied with their gender and isn`t against changing it.

Sagittarians are noisy and don`t know mercy. Animals and small children love them, but adults usually hate Sagittarians. They make great circus artists, weirdos, and vagrants. These are people who throw food in restaurants and loudly ask something to those around in church during prayer.

Never bring a Sagittarius home to introduce to parents. He or she will tie up your mother or your father`s pants. The holiday when the Sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. It`s fitting because on this day everyone eats until they feel sick. But then, bloated and sick, they stagger through the city streets - that`s in the Sagittarius spirit.

Capricorn.

Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and boring. They are always moving towards excellence. Often excellent in mathematics, which doesn`t explain the reason for their boredom.

René Descartes was an excellent mathematician and a bad philosopher - a typical Capricorn. In ideal health, you can`t beat a Capricorn because he is too stubborn and persistent. Therefore, most politicians are Capricorns, and that`s why our country is always in a hole.

No wonder politicians need so much to be safe. Capricorns are like a strange mix of Virgo and Leo. They think it makes them charismatic and logical. In reality, they are stubborn, careless, and better keep their ego in the yard.

In a nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns will find a way to survive. The rest simply won`t want to live in such a world. Capricorns can`t even understand, let alone describe philosophical concepts, because they are not related to mathematical equations. Capricorns own many tools for organizing life, which they don`t have. They love to be seen talking on the phone or actively texting. Only these phones are turned off because Capricorns have no friends to call. Capricorns went out of fashion in 1989, but they still believe Trump is a genius.

Aquarius.

Aquarius is the party star. At any moment, anywhere, he will be there. Aquarians, as usual, have nostalgia for the 1960s because that was the last time they could walk naked. But Aquarians love to be naked. Even better, naked and drunk. 90% of the wine drunk in the last 30 years was drunk by Aquarians.

They are the only people who can play volleyball with themselves. They often do it. Aquarians often address people with words: ”Dude, bro...” describing their philosophical concepts.

If you talk to Aquarians, they can completely abstract and fly to subconscious worlds, any conversation will be meaningless. You talk to him, but he - to a person three meters away from you.

Aquarians are fun because they show people the way. Moreover, if you ask, they will be naked. Aquarians are Space, they were there or think they were. If you want to know what they eat on Saturn, ask them.

They can also walk on water if they try. Usually it happens in the bath. Aquarians can afford all sorts of bad habits and do it. That`s why most rock stars are Aquarians.

Pisces.

Wherever you go, there is laughter and fun everywhere. It would be nice if they were joking, but not talking seriously. They feel deeply offended by the idea of sex - if it`s not on evening shows, it doesn`t exist. Pisces women wear long dresses and a huge amount of unusual silver jewelry.

Hikes. Pisces claim they love stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they can`t find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3, 1981, but forget your address.

Pisces have no sense of direction. People you give directions to go in the opposite direction at highway speed. Pisces will most likely die jumping out the window and falling under a heavy truck. Pisces are easily vulnerable and constantly on the brink of extinction, they can even evoke maternal feelings from Leo.

At the same time that Leos achieve the greatest fame in the entertainment industry, Pisces achieve historical fame by accident. They proudly say that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington - all are Pisces (actually not).

Pisces claim they want ”honest criticism” regarding their work. But if you say you don`t like something, they commit harakiri on the spot. Never try to use logic with Pisces. Either they float in the clouds or in Narnia. Their main tool in arguments is otherwise and, of course, crying.

It doesn`t matter what philosophical position Pisces have - they hardly know what they are talking about. Pisces pity poor animals but won`t shed a tear if it`s about a human. Cancers do one thing but say another. Scorpios do and say what they want, just to make someone worse. But Pisces talk too much and do what they want.